Heart Attack
by Neon Clouds
Summary: Love isn't always clear skies and sunshine. Sometimes you'll find a rainy day. But when you do, you need to learn that there's no hiding from the thunder and the lightning. We don't have to dance in the rain. But we can assure ourselves that the sun will poke through at one point.


**Decided to go a little depressing on the fanfic. Haha sorry, couldn't help myself! I wanted to write something related to book 5 in celebration of the release of Dark Passage! DARK PASSAGE IS NEAR! Ah! Can't wait! Only 11 days!**

**Okay so for this one I had to do a little research just to visualize what the rooms looked like and I just wanna say the Disney cruise royal rooms are sooo nice. They look amazing! Haha sorry. So this is Amanda. I think it's a new take for me because I usually try to portray her as strong and well put together.**

Amanda's P.O.V

It was inevitable, wasn't it? I would try to convince myself it was. But what if that wasn't the whole truth? I had fought and argued. Of course, he had too, but he had at least tried to apologize. I just wouldn't listen.

I had watched him, mesmerized in the most wicked of ways, unable to move or to breathe. His eyes locked on mine as he jumped. And I saw them flash with emotion. Angst? Detestation? Compassion? Fear? But I couldn't read it. I couldn't read him. And I hated that.

Finn was the first person, besides Jess, who had understood me. He was the first person that I understood. I thought I had. By now, I was questioning it, wondering if the connection I had felt with him was true or if it had been some kind of figment of my imagination to somehow mend the cracks in my heart that had formed over the years.

The night consumed him, the darkness engulfing the one boy I ever thought I could have loved as he disappeared over the side of the ship, out of sight. But not out of mind.

I ran forward, and peeked over the ledge. All that was below was water, black and uninviting. It churned forcefully, trapping unwanted visitors below its surface, hoping to never let them free. The waves twisted. The cold sea spray stuck to my face as the salty wind played mockingly with my hair.

How could I have been so stupid? He would have never really felt the attraction, the pull of fate between us two, the way I had. Maybe because it was never there. But I didn't want to think that way.

All in all, I had free-fallen out of the security and assurance of cloud-nine without a parachute, to wallow desperately in what I had thought was an ocean of love, only to find myself hurdling hopelessly towards the cold hard ground.

The stars blanketed the black sky with a million little twinkling pixies. Something that should have felt so enchanting, so gorgeous. But all it really was to me was a reminder that I'd never shine a fraction of that light in my lifetime, I'd remain the insignificant orphan on the run; someone without a family, someone without a place to go. Is that why Finn didn't want me?

What tore me out of my train of thought was the sound of nearing hyenas barking. Even though I knew I should stay to fight with the others, I didn't have the drive for combat. Out of either cowardliness or crushing sentiment, I sprinted away, trying to leave it behind, leave it all behind.

Running, running, running. Trying to get my thoughts to stop, to sojourn the shouting in my head telling me I was worthless, I could never have a boy so perfect. Make it stop. But it wouldn't. The blood of recognition*, acknowledgement of these certainties, would stain my heart forever. Oh, what a broken soul, what a broken spirit, without a heart to claim her own.

My surrounding blurred as I whizzed past, not wishing to pause. The irony. Stranded on a cruise ship with no way out. Stranded in seclusion with no way out. Nonetheless, I had to find somewhere, anywhere to hide. I couldn't quit. That was the only thing I was ever determined at, persistent with. Running. And how good I was at it. Imagine, I've done it all my life.

A door appeared up ahead and it was the only chance I found I could take. Just like before, I didn't care where it led to, as long as I didn't have to be where I was. All clear, I thought. All clear. All clear.

I pictured it, the light at the end of the tunnel, the pinpoint of contrast to the dimness. It was getting closer. The silent roar of the train nearing me. Bigger, stronger, brighter. And then, I feel my whole body tingle, from head to toe. And I know it should feel amazing, shocking still, that I am pure light. But it's not.

Before I know it, the door was behind me and I was by myself in a small room. But it was far too dark to see where I exactly. My heart was heavy in my chest, like lead. I couldn't keep my all clear intact and I felt myself losing it, though I made no attempt to salvage what was left. Gaping, incredulous still to what I did, I sat on the floor, my heart of lead racing now. I just left them. I just left Finn.

Jess would probably want to know where I went. And the others wouldn't know what to say. But I didn't care. All I was focused on were his eyes. The first time I saw that iridescent green. That smile, big and warming, contagious.

It hurt too much to think about him, but I was feeding on the memories, the images in my head. No matter how much it felt like someone sending a hundred mega-watts of electricity straight to my heart, I couldn't keep myself from seeing it.

When I was around him, I didn't think. I just did. I just felt. My heart stopped when I saw him, when we'd met eyes from across the classroom. Sometimes it felt like he was staring at me. But I knew that must have been a sensation my mind had fabricated on its own.

Why did I have to fight with him? Why did I have to push everyone away? I loved him. Sure, later I'll feel stupid for admitting it and take it back, refusing it to be true, even to myself. But right now, that was the only thing I was thinking about.

Him.

Him and his way of talking. I loved how he always had a plan. How he didn't break under pressure. I remembered all the times he would stop just to make sure everyone was safe, everyone was okay. He cared so much about everyone.

The way he could tease me. We could joke around for hours, just have fun on our own, pretending we own the world. We could communicate with just looks. He knew me, and I knew him. Somehow, it just felt right.

This wasn't a game. This wasn't just your average high-school crush. It didn't feel that way. That's why it hurt so much.

…

I woke up the next morning, in the bottom of the bunk bed I shared with Jess. It might have appeared to Jeannie, who was already up and ready for breakfast, out of sheer laziness that I didn't get up. But it wasn't that. And I didn't care what she thought.

"Hey, Mandy." Jess asked after ten minutes, when she was getting dressed. "You okay?"

A farrago of thoughts swirled in my mind at that two-worded question. Because, even in my mind, I still wasn't sure. I stared up at her, smiling up at her. Was it genuine? I still don't know. Even then I didn't nod or say yes. I didn't even really answer the inquiry being asked. Simply, rather, I said, "I'm not gonna cross-over for a while."

After that, I felt strength enough to stand and start my morning. I guess in that moment, I had sort of made up my mind.

It must have been out of completely involuntary actions, something subconscious and entirely unintentional on its own. But before I knew it, before I could even realize what I was doing, I stopped and stare at the mirror and noticed I had put on the outfit I was wearing the day I first noticed I had a crush on Finn.

The light blue crop top layered on top of my white tank, and my jean shorts. It wasn't right. That was a little knife to the heart. It reminded me too much of him, or how loving he was, how undeserving I was. Understandably, I had to change in that instant before I started to cry.

Day three after our argument and it still didn't feel right wandering along that sidewalk. Day three and I still didn't have anyone to sit with at lunch, so I took a seat at an empty table, alone, feeling stares on me. Day three and I was still breaking.

School was horrid, to say the least. Luowski wasn't there, thank goodness. But no matter where I turned, I had no one to talk to. They all eyed me, whispering to each other about 'that loner'. All I wanted was for Finn to be right back there at my side. If he was willing to be there.

Forlorn in my black hole of despair, I couldn't bring myself to answer the texts I got from the others. They asked if I was alright. But telling them the truth would be selfish and lying wouldn't be fair.

Why did love have to feel this way? Why couldn't it be roses and sunshine? Why couldn't it be peachy and perfect all the way through? Maybe it was for other people. Maybe my design just had too many faults.

What was it I was feeling? Regret? Desolation? Self-pity? I couldn't tell, because I was too far deep in the trench of dejection to climb out into the light. Was this what people called depression? I had always thought it felt more numbing than excruciating. Obviously, I was horribly uninformed.

I didn't just want him, I needed him. Perhaps he would forgive me of my aspersion as I had of his. But I knew I would snap in the future at one point or another. And I didn't think he would want to put up with it. And it wouldn't be just for me to ask him to.

Then, I shouldn't overthink it. When it came to relationships, overanalyzing on my part typically ended in failure of the affiliation. And this one, I didn't want to ruin with irrational ratiocination.

But at the thought that I might have already, I felt my stomach knot with self-abhorrence. It felt wrong to claim him, to love him so much. Arrogation was what I might have called it. However, at the time, it just felt more like a failed kidnapping attempt than an abduction of the soul.

Extolling him constantly, even though I almost felt like I should despise him after the way he treated me, hurt. But degrading him hurt more. And with every day that I sat unaccompanied in the cafeteria, every night that I didn't cross over, I knew I wasn't going to win the war inside me.

Neither the devil nor the angel on my shoulders would be victorious. The tug-a-war would continue. Until I saw him again. Until I could speak to him again. Until I could look him in the eye and I didn't have to avoid eye contact with deep shame.

…

When I got home from school on the sixth day, my head thrummed with anger because one of Luowski's friends was apparently given orders. So at lunch, I got a plate of spaghetti and meatballs dumped on my head. This isn't really one of those tragic stories where all the kids in the cafeteria laughed. A few had, but for the most part it was dead silent. But that didn't mean I wasn't totally peeved off about it.

Someone call for me down the hallway and I strode unhurriedly, one leg then another, almost robotic-like. Jess handed me the phone, without a word, pursing her lips. I knew she didn't like seeing me like this, that she was terrified of my plaintive way of being. I just couldn't help it.

"Hello?" I whispered, quietly into the phone. My vocal cords vibrated awkwardly. I hadn't spoken in the past few days and it felt like an unnatural ability to actually talk.

"Hey…hey, Manda." One the other side of the line I heard Charlene's shaky voice, almost uncertain of what to say to me. "You okay? Haven't seen you since the other night."

With a sigh, I leaned against the wall of the hallway. "It's only been a few days." I told her, trying to evade the question.

"I know." She mumbled, though in an almost pacifying mellifluous voice. "But Jess has been telling me about how worried she is about you." This didn't come as a surprise to me. My comportment of the past few days had done nothing but evinced my misery. But nobody could extricate me from this quandary. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I thought about for a moment, contemplating the suggestion. "Yes." With that, I placed the phone back on the receiver and turned to go back to my room, wanting to enjoy my melancholy in solitude. I hope she hadn't been too offended.

…

For thirty minutes, Jess and Jeannie had been lying in their beds, mumbling for me to turn off my light and go to sleep before they had finally just fallen asleep. For thirty minutes, I had leaned over my desk, writing letters to Finn that I'd never send before I finally decided to just fall asleep.

Actually I had decided to go to bed because sleep didn't come so easily. _Go to sleep,_ I thought to myself, laying curled up on my side, trying to let the cricket's song sooth me. I would turn to look up at the ceiling, praying I wouldn't dream of him again. Prayers wasted before.

_Finn, I love you, but please don't visit me tonight_, I begged. _Please._

The room was pitch-black. So obscure that I couldn't tell the difference if I closed my eyes. But, despite the fact that I'd never been afraid of the dark, fear of the unknown suddenly whirled inside me, making me hide in my blanket and assure myself there was nothing there.

But the only thing I wanted to abandon was the thing I never could. My own mind. Myself. And the thoughts that I couldn't force away at night when all I could do was think.

My heart was tender, too frangible. I knew it was breaking but there was nothing I could do. What a friable thing. I had never felt so much pain there before. No medicine, no band aids, no wound spray could cure my heartache.

There was a point when I had actually fallen asleep, when the house was silent and I couldn't hear his voice in my head anymore. But the poison had seeped into my world of dreams, introducing a whole new torture.

I don't remember what I had dreamed about or how long I had been asleep. I do remember waking up slowly in the middle of the night, and turning to face away from the wall.

In that moment I felt a severe twinge as venom spread through me. My body convulsed, my muscles tensing and relaxing beyond my control, the horrible paroxysm worsened by memory. I was in sweats all over as my body trembled from the agony in my heart. Throughout my entire being I felt my blood rushing, my heart beating faster and faster. I screamed, crying out, wanting to be saved from the madness. I was hysterical. I couldn't stop screaming.

Suddenly, the lights were on and I heard the scramble of feet on the wooden floor, then I felt someone wrap their arms around me.

"It's okay. Shh…Mandy, it's okay. It was just a bad dream." Looking up at Jess's voice, I noticed her staring down at me with intense worry and sympathy. Gazing past her I realized all the other girls were up and so was Ms. Nash. Neither she nor Jeannie looked happy. But like Jess, the other girls also seemed somewhat concerned.

My sister held me tighter. All I could do was accept the embrace and tremble into her, tears streaming down my face irrepressibly.

…

Sluggishly, I got up from the deck floor, viewing my surroundings curiously, questioning the reality of the situation. I couldn't believe I had worked up the courage to do this. Jess and I hadn't crossed over in the past week, her reasoning only that she was a good sister.

But now, on the tenth day, I was on the deck of the Disney cruise I had been trying to elude for the past seven days. In all honesty, there was no logical explanation to my actions that I could have offered to anybody. Simply, it was what my heart had desired urgently to do.

I was sick of the nightmares, sick of the sleepless nights, sick of being alone. I was sick of this love that felt like my heart was torn out of me. And somehow, I supposed this would solve my troubles.

There was only one trick to this and that was to not get caught. By anyone. By a guest. By an Overtaker. If I could accomplish this, I might just make it through the night, unharmed and fully safe.

_Breathe, Amanda, just breathe_. Could I bring myself to talk to him? Would I cower and run when we met eyes? I wouldn't let myself worry about that, because I had already made the biggest step by actually crossing over tonight.

Would he actually forgive me? Was it natural for my heart to be beating so quickly?

I hesitated at the door of his suite, feeling my heart pounding gravely. All clear. This time, I barely had to even think about it before I was able to pass through the door. It took me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

A quick look around confirmed I was in a room that must have been a kitchen and living room and then squinting faintly, I counted three doors along the walls. With a deep breath to calm my nerves, I stepped forward in the direction of the first door.

When I opened it, I found it was just the bathroom. By now, I was shaking and I knew my hands were trembling beyond all reason. Backing out, I swung it closed gently, the low creak sounding like sirens going off in my head, seemingly so loud in the silence. The click of the door when it was finally shut boomed through the suite.

I moved on to the next door down, my feet noiselessly passing along the floor. Deciding to be practical, I went all clear to go in, hoping the outline of my hologram wouldn't be bright enough to wake anyone.

Disappointingly, I found that this was the room in which Philby and his mother were sleeping. I treaded soundlessly to the bed the red-headed boy was in, leaning over it. He looked peaceful in his sleep, reminding me of the old techy nerd I once knew. But he'd changed drastically in the past few weeks, I almost didn't recognize him. Always the modest one, yet now…

"Come back to us, Phil." I whispered quietly to myself before leaving the room.

The last door. This had to be it. It's all I had left. My blood froze inside me, petrified in my spot. Perfidy towards myself convinced me I couldn't trust myself to do what I had to do.

Once again, I was light. And that's when I realized I _was _shining. It was a weird thought because at the moment I should have been focusing on the door in front of me. But in that brief instant, I felt like I was more than just that orphaned girl.

A minute has passed, maybe more, before I could muster up the mettle to walk in. Once I was inside, my heart gave a lurch of pain at the sight of Finn. I couldn't breathe, too afraid to make any noise.

His breathing was smooth and even, signaling me he was in deep sleep. Shuffling over, one step and a time, I only concentrated on him, his chest moving up and down, how serene he looked in his sleep.

As I knelt beside his bed, looking at his face, all my memories came flooding back. The day we'd first met. Running away from security. Our adventures in Disney after hours. All the time we shared together just messing around.

What if it was all gone? What if I'd ruined our friendship?

I had to know.

Just as I was about to reach up and shake him awake, he shifted in his bed. I ducked back slightly, afraid he had woken up. But his shallow breathing continued, a sure tocsin that he remained in his dreams. He turned again, mumbling something.

"Manda." He muttered, in his sleep. "Mandy…'m sorry."

My heart stopped. The room went cold, and I knew I must have been blushing furiously. I felt tears coming, an emotion I couldn't quite label squeezing almost every morsel of self-control I had right out of me until I was on the verge of crying.

He made me smile, he made me laugh, and he made me cry. But, little by little, I was figuring it out. That's the way love works. It makes us happy beyond belief. It the most beautiful magic in the world. Yet it can hurt like a heart attack. And now I understood.

Gradually, I got up from the floor and went to leave the room. Once at the door, I turned around, smiling at the boy I loved, who was still fast asleep. My heart still ached, but it was nothing to worry about. Because I knew I would survive.

*** I put the whole blood stain thing in there as sort of symbolism because a blood stain is actually quite easy to get rid of.**

**Hoped you liked it! I worked all day on this like since 10 A.M. after I got home from my run. Really really wanna see what you guys thought! Read, review and request! Also ANY REQUESTS FOR RESCUED? Anybody you want. Just give me the peole and the situation and I'll see what I can do!**

**DARK PASSAGE IS NEAR! 11 DAYS!**


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